20 yrs old. Filipino. New York. Hunter College. Taken <3 UFP dance company. Miracle Project. Fr3sh Juniors Alumn<3
"The laws are very simple: 1. Thought is creative. 2. Fear attracts like energy. 3. Love is all there is" - Neal Walsh
At the moment, my whole being is filled with fear. I feel it in every inch of my body, crawling up my skin fully aware of the damage it’s causing. It’s made its way around through my veins to my heart, and now to my mind. It’s like it has consumed me to the point where parts of my body don’t know how to function anymore. It has caused a major disruption in what is usually a balanced repairing system that was now put to a pause. The presence of fear has brought upon other things, all the negative thoughts that I’ve tried desperately to drown out. That’s what it attracts; Insecurities, guilt, loss, failure, shamefulness, etc., all of which have a root in fear and have now heightened to an indescribable extent because of it. I always thought I was one to never be afraid. What was there to fear when I constantly was aware that I was blessed with all the simplicities of life? Well, fear was always pushed aside because I avoided it and I didn’t have to face it. But what do I do when I can longer do that, when it’s right here in this present moment beating me down? How do I fight an invisible force that can predict my every move? It is now a shadow that no matter where I step or where I go it will always be there taunting me. I’m at that point, so overwhelmed with fear, that all i want to do is scream to the world that I am afraid. I can no longer hold these walls up. I’ve admitted it and I’m surrendering myself to my most deepest fears as if to say, “here I am finally.. give me everything you’ve got and I will not fight back.”
You might say I’m overreacting, or I should just forget about it and learn to be positive. Well I’ve tried that, i’ve been doing that and I’m tired of it. Fear… it’s this new challenge, it’s this new perspective. We all can’t really say what our true fears are, cause in order to do that we actually have to take the time out of our busy lives to reflect on what exactly it is. I’m not talking about the fear of heights, snakes, the way you look or even your fear of change because the truest fears that we often don’t want to acknowledge are the reasons why you are afraid of those things. All these things that I’ve hidden away, that I’ve pushed aside, that I’ve tried with every power of my being to avoid are now surfacing. It’s here and it’s real. This fear is tearing me apart and throwing the pieces at my face to force me to see, to force me to understand. I am vulnerable, and I am not nearly as strong as I thought I was.
But maybe breaking me down was for the best. It is the toughest challenge I have yet to experience and I am still filled with an immense amount of fear, but i feel a sense of relief in simply knowing and being able to admit that I’m just scared. I am still in the process of trying to make sense of all of it but it’s all out there, and I don’t have to hide. What a relief to say that I am not that strong and I’m not okay. I don’t have to force happiness on myself, I don’t have to pretend, I can just be here and reflect. As I am beaten down, the weight that other people have put on my shoulder, is getting lighter little by little.
What I want you, whoever is reading this to understand is that, no I am not looking for your help, your comfort, or your words of wisdom. This is me reflecting on the thoughts and actions that have brought me so far from who I thought I was. This is me with no walls or barriers, no cares in the world for what anyone thinks. I am reflecting on my fears and my mistakes and it will take more than days, weeks, or months to find peace with it, but I’m fine with that. Understand that I do not see myself as weak. I am given the chance to renew myself to who I want to be, to be a person who knows her fears well enough to eventually accept them, to share them with others and to even love them. And that’s where I’ll lead my last point. “(3) Love is all there is.” Throughout this whole thing, love appeared. It’s different. It’s more powerful. It’s not like anything I’ve ever felt; The love for another person, the love of life, the love for once “enemies”, the love for God. I am too tired, drained, and mentally exhausted to fight. To fight myself or to fight anyone else. So all I can do is love. And I am working on facing these fears I have one day at a time, understand them, take it all in, and make it a part of who I am.
The pressure is gone. I am broken, scared, and down at my lowest point. I have shattered into pieces. But the person who I can form myself into next won’t be the person everyone once knew. I will be better because I will be honest. That’s what I’m striving for; to never lie to myself, to never allow myself to pretend to be someone I’m not, I will be honest about my feelings, and honest about who I am. I will love with no fear, but with pure honesty and a pure heart. That is my ultimate lesson and I will use whatever strength I have left, and whatever I will gain from this to be a person someone will respect for honesty and for love. Not for this facade that people have come to “know.” I will spend the rest of my life making up for lost time, making up for my mistakes, and making up for the harm/hurt I did by showing that I can become a better person. I’ve admitted to be afraid, and I’ve admitted that I’ve done wrong. I am not happy with who I am and what I’ve done… and as down as shit as I am, typing this at this very moment right now, admitting all of this to myself and to whoever is reading this, I can say this is my proudest moment. Cause it’s the moment I’ve decided to change. I’ve decided to set a higher goal for myself, and I’ve decided that I am going to reach it. Whatever it takes.
-Katrina Endozo 10/16/13@1 month ago with 5 notes
It’s past 3am, and I’m eavesdropping on my parents talking about their relationship. The girls that my dad went out with and eventually denied, cause his heart was only for one person, my mom. They broke up once, and then she left with no goodbye to another country for 2 years. My dad’s beliefs on the perfect woman for him and the way to get her is really admirable. No one compared to her, even when there were girls throwing themselves at him while she was away. Anyways, my mom came back and that part opened up a new chapter.
It’s just really interesting. 30 or so years later since they met..and they’re talking about their past loves and their relationship as if it was just yesterday. As if they were still young and in that moment. Usually we share our past stories once we’re comfortable with that person. But it’s now years later and it sounds like it’s the first time they’re talking about it. I love them and I wish to be like that and never run out of stories to share 30 or something years later from now.
Everyone’s story is different. But love stories are just so beautiful and as two people add on to it whether good or bad, well it makes the story better. It makes it real and interesting. I feel like I fall in love with these stories too much but I don’t think it’s necessarily bad. People will have their doubts but only time will tell. I find hope and faith in these stories. Cause the path may be different but it always leads to something good, and sometimes all it really takes is patience…
Good night and God bless.@1 month ago with 11 notes